You feel the pain in
 -every stroke in the painting.
 -every words written on the book.
 -every flashback occurred in your mind.

I don't ask anymore. Best is to adapt. Constantly changing your perspective. Forget the past, the important and unimportant people. You are not a slave, so you don't have to work for your future. You are the ruler of your time, you live and enjoy this very moment. Works are not work, they are not monotonous routine. They are only when you don't change your glasses when you need to. Everything is a mess. Mess in a good way, I don't try to organize them, let it be the way it is. There is always imperfection in perfection. I try to understand the mess, and embrace them.

Alchemist
No Diggity by Chet Baker
The book of Job
Water

these are the things I'm soaking in now.

In 5 months :

- I finally got myself a smart phone.
- I'm uglier.
- I get so many things done unconsciously.
- I attend art class with 20 over kids, age ranging from 4 to 13 ?
- I met so many people still I can't remember their name, or even keep in touch with them. Just a few exceptional case.
- Yesterday I was complaining about A-level. Ironically today I feel fine studying science.
- You can't beat me in procrastination. I procrastinate up from 7 to 8 hours per day.

I can never tell whether I've grow in these few month. Perhaps, I didn't. Recently, I "spare" ( which consists of stealing all of my productive time ) some time to involve in volunteering program, travelling, and most importantly - hibernating.

 Volunteering, is a really small act of kindness that I can do which gives minimal effort in helping the society. I only get familiarize with this word since it used to be "serving" and I'm no longer doing all these through church organization. To all Christian, you might be thinking Why ? Are you quitting church ? My answer is never will I quit Christianity because of my experience with him. I guess, once you decided to take off your shoe, walk in bare foot, you will begin to feel the dirt and the softness of the mud like how the village people did. You realize, you need to gather up those resources, be keen to listen, be generous with your time spend with them. Unlike before, there's no briefing about the people, which allows you to see this world without tinted glasses. Most importantly, you're not inject with the wrong thoughts, you will begin to see the truth as you discover by your own. Apart from these, you may or may not gain gratitude for the things you have in life. At times, I do pity the people live in village. Frequently, I like the fact they are not bound my gadgets ( they do have internet access in the jungle ), they have better activities than us, such as hunting, fishing, diving, build houses etc. Still, they have their pain ( just listen to Anak Kampung by Jimmy Palikat ) It allows you to understand in their perspective, why they prefer to work in city.

Currently, I'm doing A-level. My results are not something that is pleasing to Asian's eyes. Haha. However, after giving some thoughts and consideration, I can conclude that doing something that is irrelevant to what you love is not a waste of time. It's more like a stepping stone, a test to determine how much you can persevere, a training ground for the future. Wait, Right before you shake your head unconsciously ! Look, let's just say you don't like finance, still you will have to know about finance since running a family is like running a business. See ! isn't it ? So, at this phase, I'm doing the things I know I don't need but I know I need it to help me in future. I live by great faith, waking up each and everyday is like walking on volcano not knowing when it will explode. But, it's truly sad to see my classmates leave A-level ( they are really good ones)

So, before 2013 leaves. I want to re-tune my heart, find my goal, search for the passion that I once have ! :D See ya !

Everything that we do, it must be something which gives positive effect to this society. From a street cleaner to an innovator, the first thing that comes to your mind : how can this able to benefit the consumer ? Even for now, the things I study about, it's mainly designed and catered for people to be able to maintain the current state of technology level or environment. It's more like, if you see this problem, you should do this and this instead of you create a whole new system to solve the problem. We are spoon fed, regurgitating over and over again the same knowledge. "Ms, can you explain why is as the electron and further away from the nucleus the energy level increase ? ". She replied, " Well, this is a theory developed by scientist, you just have to accept the fact it happens that way."," This is a theory which agreed by all the scientist in the world." So, should we just accept the way things are ? or Think further ?

A-level used to be on my Never To-do list.  To me, it's a resit of harder version of SPM which simply means you'll have to go through the process of tedious study schedule all over again. (Let me emphasize here, I did not really study for SPM because most of the time I'm either having doubts, dreaming, online, or sleeping. What i meant was my experience for PMR.) Regardless, of how firm your decision is, you never know what is going to take place or even what trick is God playing in your life.

Since January, i had decided enroll in foundation course. Obviously, it's a fast route, provided that you will not have to go through the dreadful basic subjects such as Chemsitry, Physics. It was all in a smooth sail not until I got into NS. Previously, the advice from ex-architecture student who studied in the college i'm about to enroll was not to do the course itself. They even tried to persuade me by listing all the pros and cons. Well, you know, I'm stubborn headed. Perhaps my exposure is not wide enough, besides architecture course i could not think of any suitable course for me. Anyways, my observation was that they all ended up not in architecture field or not doing well unless they entered those Ivy league school or well known architecture school in overseas.

In NS,  you were put in a state where you have no choice but to overcome your fear. As a person who have low self-esteem, I have great fear of failure. I rather not try than to fail. And, too often, i treat mistakes as something shameful that should be flung aside as quickly as possible, rather than as something to be examined and learned from. Then, I have the thought of picking up A-level but I was giving second thought about it.  Until I get confirmation, immediately I switch my course to A-level. For now, I'm in a state where I'm willing to try anything as long as it is not against my principle regardless of outcome. ( Oh, I am learning Latin Dance. :S )

After all it's definitely not a instant transformation for me to have one of those fearless spirit. As I'm picking up the course, I still carrying doubts like will I be able to excel, or how would my classmate think of me if i didn't do well ( Stress double up, if you're in further math class because this bunch of student are considered as genius ) In fact, I struggled in the beginning, now I'm catching up bit by bit. I realize that the more doubts I grudge on, the harder it is for me to move on. I'm learning to not compare myself with others, or what other would think, all I want to do is fulfill my duty as a student, as long as i try hard, I would not be disappointed. It's always do it now, or regret. Even though A-level are for students who are sure that they confident that they will score with flying colors, I still know that there's always another way out. As a "abstract artsy minded" person studying in science class it's surely not a easy job. But, I'm taking it as challenge, I'm going to fight mentally.

Just finding and highlighting people's mistakes explain nothing. Saying what people did not do, or what they should have done does not explain why they did what they did.